Superstar - Live Show #5

Karina;

We have started this show with a frankly dire version of ‘Living on a Prayer’. Jeff wasn’t great, John wasn’t great, Roger wasn’t great…Nathan was good! Proper good. Apologies for this somewhat stilted account. I’m not at my own home, my PC/internet is playing up and my partner in crime isn’t around (I miss Tamsin!) but I will do my best to fly the flag for the fairies with this post even if it is a bit lonely here...

What, no exit at the beginning???? Where’s the Stairway to Heaven??? What’s going on??? Have I missed something?? Clearly I’m not going to be told. I thought the 'exit at the end' was a one off. Obviously not. Harrumph. I don't like being confused in this manner.

Jeff – Doing ‘Satisfaction’. That boy is a sexy little beast if you don’t mind me saying so. Even if saying it out loud makes me feel a bit dirty old woman like. And suddenly in this song he is back to being good again. His voice sounds strong, he moves well…Oh I do like him. Dawn didn’t rate his performance as much as I thought she would. Mel C was up to her usual chair dancing worst (guess it’s better than table dancing) so we’ll skip over her. ALW doesn’t think he’s fit, but the vocal was brilliant. Hmm. I still love him, Jeff that is. Though Nathan is coming up strong. And it suddenly occurred to me that Jeff looks a little like Charles Manson. But in a very handsome, blue eyed way. Will stop now before a spade will no longer suffice to dig me out of this hole...

David – I get that ‘Nothing Compares To You’ is supposed to show off his acting skills in terms of emotion but so far it’s not doing amazing things for his voice. He’s singing this a bit like an angry man. And I’m really not a fan of his perpetual smile/grimace. In terms of emoting I personally think he’s a bit pants. Please don’t shoot me. And I've just realised another reason I might not rate David as much; I can see him in the lead of 'Ghost', a musical I really didn't care for. Ouch. Jase 'can’t fault the performance'  but he can SEE when David is acting.  I agree. ALW is feeling the David love tonight. I’m so rubbish as a critic. I seem to not like anyone the others like.

Rory – ‘Superstar Scouser’ according to Amanda F**kw*t Holden. She should know that people from the Wirral hate being called Scousers. ‘Fix You’.  He’s very pretty and he’s got a good voice, but I personally don’t think it is an Arena voice and I can’t see Arena charisma projected through Rory. Bet you anything that  the judges disagree with everything I’ve just said. Oh! ALW thinks of him interpreting The Last Supper, so he’s still holding a torch for Rory but the others were critical of his lack of depth…get them!

Nathan -  ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. This boy has bucketfuls of stage presence and oodles of charisma. And a brilliant voice. Oh dear. Sorry Jeff, but Nathan has just pipped you to the post as my Jesus! Who knew this would happen!! My only criticism is he runs the risk of relying too much on shoutiness. Jason says it was outstanding, Dawn thinks he’s a force of nature but implies he’s a bit egotistical. ALW – another bad, bad joke. But he thinks he has the potential to be a superstar. Ooh err missus. I think he is fab. Fab, fab, fab! But he isn't, and never will be, Drew Sarich. Just saying.

Ben – ‘Fast Car’. Great song. Sung like a true pop singer (NOT ROCK). And a slightly whiney one at that. I don’t like that kind of gulpy, ‘reaching for notes’ type of singing. Frankly this song does not showcase his voice at all. Weak performance. And over-emoting as well. Tsk tsk. The audience goes mad, and the judges think he’s a great story teller. Maybe I should start critiquing steam engines or combine harvesters rather than Musical Theatre, as I am clearly, obviously, utter smelly pants at this malarkey. ALW reckons he ‘acts but also reveals himself’ and that this is rare. I didn’t see that at all. 

I give up.

Niall – can he bounce back from last night? His sister and mum seem lovely. His lower register isn’t great in this song…It’s that song by The Calling’…is it called ‘Wherever You Will Go’? I think this is one of his better performances but he continues to be one of the weaker contestants for me. Sorry Niall. Because he seems a lovely, sweet boy. Mel C didn’t like it. Jase doesn’t see consistency.  ALW gave really constructive feedback. Respect! I think Dawn is here just to make them laugh.

John - Even before I hear him tonight I’m just going to say No. And I've only now realised his name is spelt ‘Jon’. Ooops. ‘Feel’. And there goes the vibralto. I’ll give him this much, this is one of his better performances (I’m not proud) but he is SO not my Jesus and his higher register sucks and his days must be numbered on the show…OK. He’s a lovely guy, say the judges. I get it. Yet lovely doesn't mean JCS -class. But ooh, there where criticisms…

Roger – is being a bit Tom Jones in shiny white trousers. Singing’Rolling in the Deep’ and going a bit flat in places. I think he made a bit of a dogs dinner of that. Mel C, that was NOT pitch perfect!! Jase dared to be critical. Dawn says he can act. ‘Evidence in his favour to play this part’. Crikey. Really? ALW noticed he was out of puff. So he’s not fit either! Treadmill. Or maybe he’d like Zumba more.

I realise I sound like a bitter old hag. I think it's because I'm on a diet, and ideally I would be watching this with a toasted cheese sandwich and a pint of cider, followed by a Double Decker choccie bar. My nerves are not what they should be. Apologies if any offence has been caused in this post, but you just don't get in my way when I'm hungry, or dare sing badly in talent shows (even if I'm the only one who hears duff notes). There. Rant over.

An interlude with Scissor Sisters  and the gorgeous Jake and a very skinny Ana Matronix…

So the votes have been counted!!!!! Who will stay and who might go,,,?

Roger – safe

Jon (note the spelling!) – safe (Bloody Norah!)

Nathan – safe (too right he is!)

Jeff – safe (woohoo!)

Ben – safe

Rory – might be going…

David – safe

Niall – in the sing off.

I reckon Niall will be waving goodbye tonight. He’s reached the end of the road.  Niall is singing through his teeth again. Rory looks petrified. Niall knows he’s going. You can tell – he looks a bit defeated. FFS I’m going to cry again!!!!! And it’s bloody Niall’s fault because he looks crest fallen (or it's my lack of proper, nourishing junk food).

So what does the good lord say? Rory is safe, Niall is very probably going to get roles in the West End and would make a great Marius  (I'm sure I said that somewhere...) and possibly a fab Raoul. All is not lost, lovely boy from the Emerald Isles, just because you weren't Jesus doesn't mean you can't be magnificent elsewhere so mop up those tears!! Now. it's an order. Really.

Good night, folks. I’m off before I cry anymore. No more wobbly chin, Niall, I have to somehow explain my soggy eyes to Mr 'I don't like JCS. I'm off to watch Southpark'. Now there's a cultured man for you. Not.

P.S it's the following morning. The internet is working (yay!) but the' in-law's' are arriving, and as they are of the Vera Lynn generation, I doubt there will be Superstar on TV tonight or tomorrow night (sniff). So I will leave the updates to my learned, lovely, musically much more adept than me Tamsin, and hopefully join you again soon. Sunday at the latest (though I hear there is no show on the Sunday? At least I can catch up with iplayer then).

Buh-bye for now and please wish me luck with 'mother-in-law'. Seriously. I need it.